It’s me, Kerry!
Thanks for joining me (once more).
I’m sure you’ve heard about toxic relationships, and yes it exists even among really, really young people, just like me. You may say what a 15 years old born-yesterday has to say about toxic relationships, yet I know what it is and I can relate.
I have as best friend a girl whom I know since I entered college. During my first 3 years we were friends. The third year is when you choose in which field you want to excel. It’s no secret that you already know my preferences, literature of course! The same year we got quite close and ended being really close friends, logically. This year, 2019, we were best friends before this happened.
One day at college, I asked her what she was watching. And she replied, ‘ can’t you see, something, pfff!’ Normally I don’t get mad for things as stupid as this but it was the way she addressed me. It was so unexpected. I know myself and I decided to take some time to digest and to make up my mind. It was a really short break from her and as soon as I got home I went straight on my phone and texted her. I told her how much she meant to me and that I didn’t want our friendship to end up like this, stupidly.
I was expecting something like, It’s my fault too. But she was like okay. That caught my attention but no, I was no going to make an ocean with a drop. So I let go. Things went on smoothly till the day came we were at the airport with our team for an excursion to Seychelles. We were happy and taking selfies. When we arrived at the place we were going to reside, she was already in front of my at the foot of the stairs. When I finally was able to enter the entrance, I called her so that we could be in the same dorm room.
I knew she heard but she did not replied. I would have understood if she told me that she had planned to cohabit with someone else rather than her reaction. I felt pissed but anyway, I let go once more. Then later in the afternoon we went shopping for groceries. She was once more in front so I managed to meet her in front of the group. I placed my hands on the shoulder and to my surprised she gave me a dark look.
I was shocked. I did not know what to do and what I’ve done. During the second day of our stay, I was filming the whole thing. I knew she did not speak to me so I decided to make a move. I deeply loved her and cared for her so much that i was ready even to take the whole responsibility. I turned the camera on her and she finally smiled. We were good again.
Then once more at school in the add maths class, it was a Monday I remember, she did not brought her book. We were on the same row but on different desk. She shared the same large desk with a friend of mine, while my friend Kelly*** and I have our respective small desks. They normally shared the same book. So, they did not have their book, I lent them mine while I followed the class with Kelly. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen an add maths book, but it’s really huge and in addition it is a text book.
Then Tuesday too they did not have book, but when Wednesday came, I had enough. My bag was heavy and what the heck did they thought they were. No way I’m bringing my book for them. On Wednesday we normally have double classes, so after the class I asked her why they did not bring their book. She replied, it’s not my turn! From the look on her face I knew she was upset. Nevermind, I was her friend and I only intended to make her understand that they are wrong for adopting such nasty behaviour.
In the afternoon after school, we went to the same add maths tuition so she normally went with me and another classmate with my mum’s driver. That day she did not come, and I knew that things we bad again. I was damn hurt that she took things that badly. So, I gave her time and did not spoke to her either. For like 4 months, we competed like to prove each other we can live without each of us. Sometimes I caught her staring at me, sometimes she caught me. I missed her. I’m not lesbian I just love her deeply enough to miss her small gestures.
I missed her but I was also angry. I’ve been tortured by my own mind every night. I tried to avoid the subject by sleeping or listening to music. Then I said no. I’ve taken the burden several times, it’s her turn to show her consideration for me. Days passed no reaction. When my birthday came she did not wish me happy birthday either.
During our religion class, we were asked to write on a small piece of paper what we were grateful for. I wrote that I was grateful to all the people that hurt me therefore HEPLED me to define myself know who i am, what I wanted, where I wanted to go and most importantly know that every feeling is natural. I was motivated to love myself. How? Do you find it normal that the person you trust the most let you carry her mistakes without grudge? LOL
Exams came and we still did not speak to each other. I let go, I didn’t care and I learnt to live with it, till that whatsapp status. She posted a pic of herself then put as caption No bf, no best buddy just me. That hite me hard enough to feel like punching her in the face. I could not let go. It was clear as muddy water that I was concerned. I replied with a picture of myself and my little cousin (btw I love you so much) where we were sitting legs locked and hands in the air like holding the globe, to make that climax we don’t understand what’s going on and I captioned my reaction when I see you playing the victim to circumstances you created. You mean we were best friends? Really? When?, on the picture itself.
I was not using my phone during exam and as I deleted the number impossible for me to contact her. I changed number but I kept thinking of her. So I asked a friend we have in common to give me her number. I texted her. I copy-past the message:
Je voulais m’excuser![I wanted to apology] I know I was not a really good friend towards you, and I deeply apologise for this. I’m letting go the grudge of yesterday and holding on to the hope of tomorrow🌈 I’m seeking for inner peace! It doesn’t matter if you do not reply for the least I know I’ve tried to make things better💦 I am of course sad that this year our friendship has been weaken but I’m also happy and forever grateful for that experience that everyday reminds me that, there will come soft rains. Writing you that message has proven me that I was stronger than I thought I were…🔆 Good night
She replied averagely.
Guys, life is about choices. You don’t have any obligation towards anybody. If you feel you have that means you are a grateful person. You may forgive several times but the hurt is already done.
Toxic relationships are everywhere. For me a relationship is a bond that at least two person are in, involved in and working together. When someone do the same mistake over and over again it’s no more a mistake but a choice.
You may feel bad and think that you are the problem. Always making the first step is exhausting and saying No is not a crime. So I wrote a saying that took me almost 6 months to realize and that I want to share with you hoping it will make the difference:
Claim your right, claim respect from each and every individual and most importantly give it back. Do not be blind and think of you as someone’s else priority, because like in a book you are a chapter not the title nor the main theme, by Kerry anne E.L
NOW LOVE YOURSELF